I have an admission to make: I am the self-sabotage Queen. Unconsciously or otherwise, I can’t seem to help messing up good things left, right and centre. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lived in a state of near constant anxiety and unhappiness for so long that I can’t manage happiness and “deserving” things very well or if I’m just a thoughtless idiot, but it is really giving me the fear now. I do not want to mess up this great opportunity I’ve been presented with (returning to university) and I also want to be able to make new friends without being a total weapon. Is it too much to ask?
Outwardly, I am pretty confident; I can walk into a room of people and talk to anyone and find it easy to meet new people. It’s building on relationships I find difficult as I constantly worry what others think of me. Basically, I am cool, calm and collected with a million jokes up my sleeves on the outside, but inside I am screaming. At 25 years old, I totally expected to be over this by now, as well as no longer having acne (RIP skin). What I need to do is relax.
I know I’m not responsible for other people’s actions and reactions to things; I’ve been through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy a few times now and have my own resources to study and work through to remind me. But it is hard to let go; if someone is a total ass to you, it’s hard to laugh and brush it off whilst actually meaning it. I can do it to a point and have become a lot more nonchalant about things than I have been in previous years, however returning to uni has my back up a little.
In order to compensate for this irrational fear of people, I have been in “Treat Yo Self” mode for near on a month. Lots of new makeup, pretty cat notebooks and stationary and a new phone. I can be positive, be successful and make new friends. If nothing else, I will power my way through the next four years and become a progressive and committed nurse, pals or no pals. I need to be kinder to myself and a bit more forgiving; I’m only human after all.
I always laugh when people tell me to “just be yourself” because then I’m all who is that? Is it the girl throwing out loads of puns and looking after her peers or the awkward twenty-something who is throwing a introvert party where no one is invited? I’m actually an incredibly social creature and love nothing more than to look after and feed my friends, like a matriarchal figure. I like to have parties and get dressed up and meet people for drinks. I just talk myself down a lot for probably no other reason than bad habit. It is time for me to take pride in myself and take the positive steps to make sure I don’t let my happiness fall by the way-side and pay less attention to the haters. (Yep, I said haters. HATERS GON’ HATE!)
Otherwise, I am really excited about uni. I plan on really having a “proper” university experience this time by joining societies, applying to write for the university magazine and generally being a positive force in the classroom. #Positive #MyUnfilteredLife