I find writing my feelings down very therapeutic and cathartic; there’s something really relaxing about seeing your thoughts and fears on paper. Your mind can really focus on the true ins and outs of your situation and it allows for more rational thought. What put me off publishing such a post was that it seems – to me, anyway – that every blogger has a stress or anxiety issue and I don’t want to seem like I am jumping on the bandwagon. I can handle most day-to-day stresses, but recently I’ve had so much more going on that I’ve made myself a bit sick. I’m less sociable, I cut myself off from friends and pushed people away and have made a series of not-so-wise decisions. My skin is a mess, I’ve lost weight and my hair is falling out again, which obviously makes the situation EVEN BETTER.
Yet I am still here and still going. I didn’t realise how much the stress had built up and when I finally faced it head on, my world sort of imploded. I am trying to mend relationships and heal myself, but I’ve learned the hard way some things are irreparable and irreplaceable. In saying that, I’ve also found great resilience in myself. My university attendance has suffered at times, but much of the work is done online so I have managed to keep myself up to date and the university are being as cooperative as they can. This is obviously isolating, but it gives me various goals to work towards each week and there’s a real sense of achievement in staying on top of my work load, for most of the time anyway.
I have lost my closest support networks which is taking its toll on me and I am not quite used to the change yet. Obviously, time heals all wounds and I must be patient; just some days are easier than others. It’s the mornings, evening meal times and night time that are the worst; cooking for one is a bit of a sad experience for me and has taken away the joy of cooking temporarily. Relying on people is also a challenge as it’s in our nature to be unpredictable and people have backed off suddenly and explicably, but the one’s that matter haven’t let me down.
As per, I have turned to some retail therapy to make life a little happier. This involved getting a new tattoo of a Monmon cat (a branch of Japanese cat art created by tattoo artist Horitomo) at Irezumi Tattoo in Glasgow. Steven was amazing and I enjoyed the post-POTUS election chat as we considered the “free world” ruled by the tangerine nightmare.
I also bought some new clothes for various provisional nights out considering it’s nearly Christmas. I need to remember I have rent to pay on my own for the first time this month, however. Behaving yourself is hard when everything is shiny and beautiful and you’re a magpie.
So, all that’s left to do is finish this semester at uni and have a belter of a Christmas. I swear I’ll be way less miserable in my next post!